MY STORY TO
As an adorably chubby kid, my life started off pretty well.
Till my family moved across town.
New school, new kids, new problems. I couldn’t make any real friends. Ended up bullied. Developed eating disorders. And got informed by my teachers that as a not-very-smart kid, I wouldn’t have a very bright future.
To top it all off, at the age of 17 after months of fighting pesky yeast infections while on pills (to regulate my overwhelming period), I woke up one morning with a fucken mysterious burning pain spreading between my legs. It came without any identifiable causes and any previous warnings.
I welcomed Vulvodynia into my life.
From that moment, my life began to be pretty “challenging.”
Other girls had morning headaches from booze-flowing parties.
I had morning headaches from bawling my eyes out during my nights’ long spasms during in which I would imagine myself tearing my V away and fastballing her through the window.
Other girls were fidgeting in their chairs, while scanning if anyone could spot their hot, secret messages. And then they were hopping to the girl’s bathroom for a new portion of office gossip.
I was fidgeting in my chair from the day-long flare-ups caused by sitting in my jeans, while scanning if anyone could spot whenever I was lifting my ass up to pull down my crotch. And then I was speeding to the girl’s bathroom to finally take my pants off, sit on the toilet and sob.
Other girls were falling asleep with prebiotic vaginal suppositories to restore their lost ph balance after their week-long sex excursions with their knights-on-white-horses.
I was falling asleep with yet another brand of experimental vaginal suppositories in hopes of restoring my lost life after yet another unsuccessful week-long lab test.
I had seen hordes of white-smocked experts. I had gotten constant negative results. I had taken zillions of useless medications. Only to be finally proclaimed an over-sensitive, neurotic teenager who needed psychiatric help and who got tagged with the “it’s all in your head” label.
Shortly after, my general health started to fail on me. Chronic yeast and bladder infections, digestive problems, all types of allergies, first operation (ovarian cyst), second operation (appendix).
No one could help me.
And because of a lack of solutions and ultimately results, I stopped talking about it. I accepted my fate. My destiny.
For years I was numbing my body with random medications just to ease my pain.
I didn’t have anyone to talk with. I wasn’t fun to be around. Often I couldn’t go out. Couldn’t walk. Couldn’t sit. Couldn’t wear jeans. “You over-exaggerate.” “Who doesn’t live with some kind of pain, right?” “Big deal so you can’t have sex as much as you want.”
SCARED, ANXIOUS AND HOPELESS
I was petrified to go out – to school, to work, with friends. “What if I got another flare up?” “What if I get a flare up after some food?” “What if my body will break again?”
I was losing all hope. “What if I never have a normal relationship (again)?” “What if I never have pain free sex (again)?” “What If I never have a normal life (again)?”
I hated my life. I hated being trapped in my broken body. I hated my daily battles with my mind.
I was blaming myself. For broken relationships. For canceled meetings. For calling in sick. I felt like I had done something to deserve all of this. “Is this my fault for being sick?” “Am I not trying hard enough?” “Is this my fault that my friend got mad that I had to cancel, again?”
I didn’t have strength to wake up each day just to feel the pain again. My heart was breaking. I wasn’t able to cry anymore – because I felt numb.
WORTHLESS AS A WOMAN
I couldn’t build any healthy relationships. ”You asked for it.” “I’m sure you were promiscuous; normal girls don’t have problem like this.” “Is it infectious?” “For sure it’s some kind of STD.”
BECAUSE OF EVERYTHING.
So I was vegetating like that for years.
And then one day, exhausted, fed up, sore and petrified, on my way to another doctor appointment, I hit rock bottom. I had enough.
I finally understood that doctors didn’t have answers for me because medicine simply didn’t have the solution for my problem.
So I started to look somewhere else.
New health practitioners, naturopaths, nutritionists, pelvic floor therapists. Finally, somebody actually took me seriously.
I went cold turkey. Changed my entire life during one night. New diets, new supplements, new natural remedies, new sleeping schedule (gosh, this last one was a challenge).
And finally, for the first time in my life, I actually started to feel better.
Years went by. Natural and alternative remedies helped me balance my pain at a certain level and control my flare-ups.
But the pain never actually went away.
And then from nowhere, all hell broke loose in my life. Overbearing pain hit again. My vulva was burning me alive. My body refused almost any type of food due to extensive food allergies and digestive problems. I couldn’t eat anymore. I stopped having periods. I quit my job. I didn’t go out anymore. I was paralyzed from the physical and emotional pain that I was experiencing.
I became a prisoner of my own 46 kg body.
For the next several months, with my family’s help, I intensified different natural and alternative treatments, allowing my body to purge and detoxify (I will save you the pretty nasty details here).
My health slowly began to stabilize. I started to eat again. Symptoms decreased.
But the pain never actually went away.
I was puzzled. I did so much. Went so far. And I still had missed something.
And then one day, still groping through my life, I decided to stop searching for answers outside myself.
I quieted down. I decided to trust the process.
I found within myself an undiscovered wisdom. An unknown sense of simply knowing. I discovered my Inner Guide. And once I started listening to my body and my Inner Guide, I started to finally heal.
From fears. From rejection. From feeling not good enough.
I learned so much about myself. I awakened. Finally, my symptoms began to improve. I ultimately found my way to a pain-free life.
And now, it’s time to share my journey and my experience with YOU.
It’s time to share it all.
1. IF I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL THAT YOU AREN’T ALONE…
…on your crappy little-deserted island, that there is someone who feels what you feel, someone who understand and cares – my mission is fulfilled.
2. IF I CAN MAKE IT A LITTLE EASIER FOR YOU…
…to climb this freaking big wall called pain, put even the smallest smile on your face and spark up a glimmer of hope during your journey – my mission is fulfilled.
3. IF I CAN MAKE OTHERS UNDERSTAND US BETTER…
…our partners, spouses, families and friends, so that we can grow even stronger together – my mission is fulfilled.
4. IF I CAN MAKE SPREAD AWARENESS…
…so that we can finally start talking about vulvas and vulvodynia in the same way that we talk about our heads and headaches – my mission is fulfilled.
I am so grateful for you to be here and I’m so excited for our journey ahead.
With all my love.